what i don't want...

You know when you have way too many thoughts flowing around in your mind, therefore too many different emotions are running through your heart? Your mind just will not shut off. I’ve been having those type of days….

I am also finding that while having an overload of internal movement I’m having a hard time articulating myself when I speak with people. I’m having a hard time finding my words. People who know me know that I usually talk a lot, and conversation just flows like a river. Actually, I take that back. It flows like a raging river…maybe the Colorado river? (sometimes I just don’t shut up)… As a whole that’s still the case (at least in my thoughts)…but for the past couple weeks, I’ve kept my conversations pretty simple in comparison to the usual, and the reason why they’ve been simple is because I can’t quite do otherwise.

…while driving, I think I realized why I’m experiencing this.

I think I’m suppose to be listening to God more. I think there is something He wants to tell me, but I’m distracted.
So, I’m listening (and still being pretty awkward in conversation…being involuntarily stumped for words….)

…Anyways, side note: a couple days ago I was being encouraged to think otherwise about what we place value on…

What made me think of this was spending the night at a house where a close friend was house-sitting at…
This house was…well…it was freaking HUGE house. A Tuscan-style castle that I got lost in. I’m not even kidding.
I got lost, FIVE times.
Drove me crazy.
Anyways, after spending an evening and night in this house, one would think, “is this something I would want?” or, “would I desire this?”.
It’s strange, because, on a worldly standpoint, I could say, “sure, why not?” I’m talking about the babygrand piano. The large pillars that cascade down the hall. A fridge that you literally can walk in (its 3 times bigger than my closet).
The Bently in the garage.

When I left the house the next morning, everything had a sense of nostalgia. I was actually somewhat disoriented and disturbed.

Let me completely rephrase this into an analogy. For you men out there, you might understand this.
This house is like a beautiful woman.
She is your ideal woman physically, striking in every way possible.
You can’t take your eyes off her. Her presence is an overload, and you’re speechless when she walks in the room. And when she does walk in the room, every other woman wants to be her, and every man wants her.
She is the epitome of refinement and beauty.

*and then I realized, this house doesn’t have a library.

And then you realize, that physical beauty fades.
And she doesn’t have much of a personality.
And she doesn’t really care about God.

And you think, “huh. I don’t really want this.”

And that’s what I thought about the house.

Sometimes things that we consider of great value, keep us from experiencing other things that are even greater. I know this depends on the person, and that’s ok…but it even came down to the bed. For example, the bed in the master bedroom is a very, very, very nice bed. The comforter was so nice that nothing could be left on top of it (it was that expensive). I’m just thinking…that would be no good to me. When I think of the home I’d reside in by the time I’d have kids…I would hope that my bed would be nothing like this. I want my little kids running in the “parents” bedroom, excited on Christmas morning, jumping up and down top of the bed trying to wake their mom and dad up. I just don’t want to miss out on little things like that.
And, the sad thing is that this family who lives in this house (two little kids, perfect age for jumping up on their parents bed) will probably never experience something like that.

I know that seems small, but I don’t think it is. I’ve never marked huge events in my life as the pillars of significance (ie: graduation, job promotion, 21st birthday…you know, the things that society tells us its more important than the rest).
Its always been the relationships and little things that gets imbedded in the back of my mind and heart…