walking alongside despair

I am no saint. In fact, I totally understand what Paul meant when he called himself the chief of sinners - I see myself as one. When one finds himself alone with God and sees him face to face, one can't help but despair over the sins that perpetuate the entire being of himself. It's like a sickly coat of oil permanently coated on the entire surface of oneself, a condition that one is forever trap with while in existence.

This constant consciousness about my sinful, worldly nature has been throughout every day in my life. At my most blissful moment, or my most depressed hour, I can't help but being aware of the absurdity and meaninglessness of "life" as we know it. The persistent sense of despair can be a really heavy burden to bear as I stagger through this particular life of mine. It is incredibly tempting to just let go off everything and indulge myself either in a life of hedonism and aestheticism, or one of piety and the practise of communal submission to a religious code. To withdraw into "bad faith", as Sartre calls it. But I have grown too acutely aware of the despair over my own state of existence to live a life of ignorance.

But to live a life defined by actions, acted upon choices which have no certainties, or based on any established consensual guidelines/protocol, is a terrifying thought in itself. Kierkegaard affirms that faith is the solution to despair, but faith require so much courage and risks that I can't help but feeling the burden of the freedom over the choices and course of my own life. Imagine, to be condemned to freedom!

And to know that this is the life I will live for the rest of my "life"... I guess Christ was right when he said that small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life. Truth is the gate is much smaller and the road is much narrower than most of us have imagined it to be. Not to mention incredibly lonely as one is completely cut off from other fellow humans in this long arduous journey, with only Christ's promises as comfort.

This is merely the beginning...

Christianity does not join people together. No, it separates them - in order to unite every single individual with God. And when a person become such that he can belong to God and to God alone, he has died away from that which usually joins people together.

- Soren Kierkegaard

i love baseball

i love baseball so much.
life lessons often reveal themselves to me in baseball.
here a a few recent epiphanies:
1. what you value personally may not have any value in the environment you're in.
2. we all have weaknesses and sometimes the best way to attack one is to try to turn it into a strength.
3. coaching, teaching and managing are not either/or, good or bad, they are additive.
4. rock, paper, scissors. everything good can be beaten by something better. everything not good can beat something great. match-ups can be unpredictable. don't assume.

thank you for being a part of my brain and thoughts for a few moments.

Mending....Reconciliation

the last 24 hours have been such a rollercoaster of emotion for me.

perhaps one of the strangest days i've had in a while.....(and that's saying alot)

i'm sitting in KCI airport sobbing.
listening to a mix cd appropriately named "shenanigans".
my soul aches, but feels relief.
i am more whole than when i arrived here a mere 36 hours ago.
my soul has surrendered something heavy.

i wish that i had a way to describe how i endured the hardest year of my life yet feel so free, clear, "held".

all i can say is that praise will be given where praise is due.

i have moved into not needing any human. it is such a foreign overwhelming feeling.

i believe with all of my heart that i have reached that coveted place of "self-reliance".

me and God.

r.i.p.

Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
1922-2007

one of my most favored and dear to my heart authors passed away yesterday. mr. vonnegut changed my thinking in my ways and opened my eyes to wonderous views.

you will be missed. rest in peace.

"
Humor is a way of holding off how awful life can be, to protect yourself. Finally, you get just too tired, and the news is too awful, and humor doesn’t work anymore. Somebody like Mark Twain thought life was quite awful but held the awfulness at bay with jokes and so forth, but finally he couldn’t do it anymore. His wife, his best friend, and two of his daughters had died. If you live long enough, a lot of people close to you are going to die.

It may be that I am no longer able to joke—that it is no longer a satisfactory defense mechanism. Some people are funny, and some are not. I used to be funny, and perhaps I’m not anymore. There may have been so many shocks and disappointments that the defense of humor no longer works. It may be that I have become rather grumpy because I’ve seen so many things that have offended me that I cannot deal with in terms of laughter.

This may have happened already. I really don’t know what I’m going to become from now on. I’m simply along for the ride to see what happens to this body and this brain of mine. I’m startled that I became a writer. I don’t think I can control my life or my writing. Every other writer I know feels he is steering himself, and I don’t have that feeling. I don’t have that sort of control. I’m simply becoming. All I really wanted to do was give people the relief of laughing. Humor can be a relief, like an aspirin tablet. If a hundred years from now people are still laughing, I’d certainly be pleased. I apologize to all of you who are the same age as my grandchildren. And many of you reading this are probably the same age as my grandchildren. They, like you, are being royally shafted and lied to by our Baby Boomer corporations and government. Yes, this planet is in a terrible mess. But it has always been a mess. There have never been any “Good Old Days,” there have just been days. And as I say to my grandchildren, “Don’t look at me. I just got here.”
"
-kurt vonnegut, a man without country

being a woman

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
one old love she can imagine going back to...and one who reminds her how far she has come...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a youth she's content to leave behind...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB, BREAK UP WITH A LOVER, AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...be it to her best friend's kitchen table...or a charming inn in the woods...when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...

heeeelllllllllooooooooo #7!

In case you need another reason to keep up with baseball this year, here's mine:



Joe Mauer....thank you for being a part of my Minnesota Twins!!
xoxo

little motel

“
I hope that you like it in your little motel,
And I hope that the sweep season suites you well.
Well I can see it as time and a sight through smell,
That’s why it’s nice to be by yourself.

And that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, aren’t I?
That’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, darling.

We treat mishaps like sinking ships,
And, I know that I don’t want to be out to drift.
Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips,
And, they both tell me that we’re better than this.

‘Cuz that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, aren’t I?
That’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, darling.

We trade tit for tat like that for this,
And, I don’t think that there was an insult that was missed.
I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips,
And, I’m very sorry.

‘Cuz that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, aren’t I?
That’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, darling.

The raining is over, shooting star,
And directly on our broke-down riddled car.
We fold and we had made a wish,
That we would be missed,
If one or another just did not exist.

That’s what we’re waiting for, that’s what we’re waiting for, that’s what we’re waiting for, aren’t we?
That’s what we’re waiting for, that’s what we’re waiting for, that’s what we’re waiting for, darling.

That’s what we’re waiting for, aren’t we?
“

taxes