1. I am the youngest child
2. One of my first words was "o'donalds" -for McDonalds
3. I was one
4. I don’t like flying
5. I do like to travel
6. I’ve been to 6 countries
7. My favorite is Ireland
8. Because of the squishy grass
9. I still sleep with a "blankey"
10. I don’t care that you’re judging me
11. I like all my freckles but one
12. (The one on my hairline)
13. I enjoy crying
14. I have a hard time returning phone calls
15. Mostly because I hate the phone
16. But also because I’m a little busy
17. I change into pajamas the minute I get home from work/class
18. I nap every day
19. My favorite season is fall
20. I hate hot weather
21. I love the circus
22. I am not a Mac girl
23. I make faces at myself in the mirrored columns in clothing stores when nobody’s looking
24. I look forward to getting old
25. 2000 is my favorite year so far
26. I read obsessively
27. I’m not shy or modest
28. I judge people who use “your” and “you’re” interchangeably
29. I think in words
30. I daydream. A lot.
31. I want to edit Children’s Books when I grow up
32. So Cal beaches are my favorite of the beaches
33. Second only to Tampa, where I took a picture with a naked man
34. Laughing is important to me
35. I can’t sit on grass without systematically ripping it up
36. I’ve frequently have a brain freeze
37. I have tried not to
38. I am sarcastic
39. I am cynical
40. Somehow, I am also an idealist
41. I am impatient
42. One of my favorite feelings is getting my hair shampooed at the salon
43. I have really high pain tolerance
44. This might be why
45. I can’t drive without music
46. I choose silence over awkward conversations. Always.
47. I think I could be an alcoholic if I let myself
48. I’m not afraid of needles
49. I’m always early
50. I sleep on my stomach
51. I had 53 pairs of shoes the last time I counted
52. I have bought more since then
53. I have beat someone up
54. He deserved it
55. I try to play guitar
56. My fingers are too short
57. I sometimes feel guilty that I have an amazing family
58. I don't like riding horses
59. I used to be boy-crazy
60. If you knew me then...then I like you
61. I have helped write a rap song
62. I was conceived in Kansas City
63. I know that was gross. But if I had to hear about it, so do you
64. On that note, I was a mistake
65. Dark chocolate is my least favorite chocolate
66. Avocado is my favorite food
67. And macaroni and cheese
68. I love how libraries smell
69. I twirl a strand of hair by my face when I’m nervous
70. I work in the high school group at my church
71. I love kids
72. I want to have them
73. I have been in five car accidents
74. I was always the driver (whoops)
75. I secretly want to drive a minivan
76. Yes, that's true
77. I don't drink coffee
78. Ever.
79. I love the smell of pipe tobacco
80. I can never spell vaccum right on the first try
81. Vaccuum
82. Vacuum
83. If I watch horror movies, I can’t sleep for at least a week
84. I’m a morning person, once I’m awake
85. I love camping
86. Mostly in Rocky Mountain National Park, but other places too
87. The covers have to cover my feet
88. I don’t understand people who have to have their feet outside the covers
89. I swear a lot when I drive
90. But I wouldn’t call it rage
91. I save things
92. I love getting real mail
93. McDonald’s orange drink is my favorite drink
94. OK so Long Beaches are my favorite
95. I take a lot of pictures
96. I don’t deserve most of the grades I get
97. And not because I cheat
98. Or sleep with the professors
99. This is going downhill fast
100.I love having a tan
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
Lord I believe...help my unbelief
"There is so much evidence for Christianity that it actually takes more faith to be an atheist than to be a Christian."
I have heard many variations on this sentence during the past few years of my life. Usually, I resonate with the idea that Christianity and reason are compatible. Still, there have been many days throughout my life when agnosticism or atheism seem to be more plausible, more reasonable, and easier to deal with than my own faith. April 20, 1999... check. September 11, 2001... check.There are many other dates I can't remember, when tragedies occured, and I have asked God the same questions I asked him when people died at Columbine and when the day of terror hit. Why didn't you stop the person or people who caused the event? Are you even there?
Sometimes, I think it does take more faith to believe in a good and loving God than it takes to be an atheist. This world, for all its beauty, is a wretched rock indeed, thanks to its human inhabitants. I took a marine life class for my science requirement in college, during which I greatly preferred watching the "Blue Planet" videos to taking notes about kelp v. seaweed. When I wasn't stealing a nap in the darkened room, I lost myself in underwater worlds, where death exists, but without adultery, hatred, cowardice, racism, molestation, selfishness, or any other evil. I remember watching these videos, and getting frustrated afterward because everything the class had just seen was attributed to time, chance, natural selection. However, I see why people find it easier to believe that the ocean is not a masterpiece of a divine artist. Because if it is, then humanity must be a design of that artist as well.
Sometimes I don't even want to deal with people. Although I would be horrible at it, I can see the appeal of studying the ocean for a lifetime, because it's a much more peaceful profession than diplomacy, politics, psychology, or even working retail. Fish smell bad, but the little ones are nice and the big ones won't kill you, except impartially; humans can be pretty nasty, showered or not. The Psalms say that humans are just a little bit less glorious than the angels, but I have yet to meet a human who was anywhere CLOSE to being as helpful as that Roma Downey chick. (I only watched that show three times, by the way.)
I don't know how God can stand the violence we show toward one another, whether with our words, or with our weapons. I don't know why he doesn't strike us dead with more frequency. I don't know why he doesn't talk from the sky and scare us. If he made us in his image, why then is he so silent? Why is he so intent on us pursuing him? Why does he pour himself out into the depths of the sea, but seem to turn away from our darkest days? I have experienced answered prayer, and I have heard of miracles, but my soul is often dissatisfied with what I have seen of God.
Believing in God takes a lot of faith some days, not just that He exists, but that He really will transform all of these messes we've made of ourselves into beings He can stand to be around forever. I can see His goodness and creative power in the vibrancy of a coral reef, or in the shocking size of a mountain range, or... well, in most things outside of big cities. The city of God - how will that work? Christ died to redeem us and make us ready for a new Jerusalem, and while I want him to return, I don't understand how I myself will be acceptable enough to enter through the gates. With all my doubts, I am trying to hold to a framework of grace to explain this world - that there is a good God, and he is slowly, effectively redeeming those who ask him to from their misery, withstanding the pain it causes him.
Otherwise, I can't thank anyone for the ocean.
I have heard many variations on this sentence during the past few years of my life. Usually, I resonate with the idea that Christianity and reason are compatible. Still, there have been many days throughout my life when agnosticism or atheism seem to be more plausible, more reasonable, and easier to deal with than my own faith. April 20, 1999... check. September 11, 2001... check.There are many other dates I can't remember, when tragedies occured, and I have asked God the same questions I asked him when people died at Columbine and when the day of terror hit. Why didn't you stop the person or people who caused the event? Are you even there?
Sometimes, I think it does take more faith to believe in a good and loving God than it takes to be an atheist. This world, for all its beauty, is a wretched rock indeed, thanks to its human inhabitants. I took a marine life class for my science requirement in college, during which I greatly preferred watching the "Blue Planet" videos to taking notes about kelp v. seaweed. When I wasn't stealing a nap in the darkened room, I lost myself in underwater worlds, where death exists, but without adultery, hatred, cowardice, racism, molestation, selfishness, or any other evil. I remember watching these videos, and getting frustrated afterward because everything the class had just seen was attributed to time, chance, natural selection. However, I see why people find it easier to believe that the ocean is not a masterpiece of a divine artist. Because if it is, then humanity must be a design of that artist as well.
Sometimes I don't even want to deal with people. Although I would be horrible at it, I can see the appeal of studying the ocean for a lifetime, because it's a much more peaceful profession than diplomacy, politics, psychology, or even working retail. Fish smell bad, but the little ones are nice and the big ones won't kill you, except impartially; humans can be pretty nasty, showered or not. The Psalms say that humans are just a little bit less glorious than the angels, but I have yet to meet a human who was anywhere CLOSE to being as helpful as that Roma Downey chick. (I only watched that show three times, by the way.)
I don't know how God can stand the violence we show toward one another, whether with our words, or with our weapons. I don't know why he doesn't strike us dead with more frequency. I don't know why he doesn't talk from the sky and scare us. If he made us in his image, why then is he so silent? Why is he so intent on us pursuing him? Why does he pour himself out into the depths of the sea, but seem to turn away from our darkest days? I have experienced answered prayer, and I have heard of miracles, but my soul is often dissatisfied with what I have seen of God.
Believing in God takes a lot of faith some days, not just that He exists, but that He really will transform all of these messes we've made of ourselves into beings He can stand to be around forever. I can see His goodness and creative power in the vibrancy of a coral reef, or in the shocking size of a mountain range, or... well, in most things outside of big cities. The city of God - how will that work? Christ died to redeem us and make us ready for a new Jerusalem, and while I want him to return, I don't understand how I myself will be acceptable enough to enter through the gates. With all my doubts, I am trying to hold to a framework of grace to explain this world - that there is a good God, and he is slowly, effectively redeeming those who ask him to from their misery, withstanding the pain it causes him.
Otherwise, I can't thank anyone for the ocean.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
lovely...
I received a lovely email today. I'll share:
"
There are always things that make me think of things, and the things that make me think of things are normally pretty great things. But the things that they make me think of can go either way. Sometimes things make me think of things that make me feel great. Sometimes things make me think of things that make me feel terrible.
I'm not sure what made me think of you today. Could be the weather, somehow. Could have been a song, something I saw on the floor, the exact height of the sun as I woke up. I don't know. But you got in my head, and i think you wanted to hang out there for awhile, because you brought a tent.
And that made me think of how you are, and it made me think that maybe something is wrong, or that something is great.
Sometimes I get the feeling that when I think about someone they can hear me, and maybe we can have a conversation. And then I get the feeling that when I randomly think of someone, it's because they're trying to think of me. But I doubt that's the case. It's just nice to think about.
And sometimes I get the feeling that if I randomly think of someone, it probably means something is happening to them, something that's making a spike in my thoughts of them. Maybe you were on a roller coaster and got really excited. Maybe you found a hundred dollars. Maybe you were in a car accident. Maybe something made you cry. I don't know.
The seasons are changing, and that always trips me out a little. The monsoons might come early this year.
Sometimes I drive and wish I was just driving out in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes the right song comes on and makes me wish I was on a long road trip, like on the road in New Mexico somewhere. Sometimes there's a fiddle in a song, or a harmonica, and I wish I could be driving again, with no one else on the road. And I wish, sometimes, that you were there. The phantom limb itch that makes me just want to drive really far, watching the sun drop low, making a trail. Sometimes I just want to escape, not necessarily getting anywhere, but headed somewhere.
"
"
There are always things that make me think of things, and the things that make me think of things are normally pretty great things. But the things that they make me think of can go either way. Sometimes things make me think of things that make me feel great. Sometimes things make me think of things that make me feel terrible.
I'm not sure what made me think of you today. Could be the weather, somehow. Could have been a song, something I saw on the floor, the exact height of the sun as I woke up. I don't know. But you got in my head, and i think you wanted to hang out there for awhile, because you brought a tent.
And that made me think of how you are, and it made me think that maybe something is wrong, or that something is great.
Sometimes I get the feeling that when I think about someone they can hear me, and maybe we can have a conversation. And then I get the feeling that when I randomly think of someone, it's because they're trying to think of me. But I doubt that's the case. It's just nice to think about.
And sometimes I get the feeling that if I randomly think of someone, it probably means something is happening to them, something that's making a spike in my thoughts of them. Maybe you were on a roller coaster and got really excited. Maybe you found a hundred dollars. Maybe you were in a car accident. Maybe something made you cry. I don't know.
The seasons are changing, and that always trips me out a little. The monsoons might come early this year.
Sometimes I drive and wish I was just driving out in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes the right song comes on and makes me wish I was on a long road trip, like on the road in New Mexico somewhere. Sometimes there's a fiddle in a song, or a harmonica, and I wish I could be driving again, with no one else on the road. And I wish, sometimes, that you were there. The phantom limb itch that makes me just want to drive really far, watching the sun drop low, making a trail. Sometimes I just want to escape, not necessarily getting anywhere, but headed somewhere.
"
Monday, May 21, 2007
monday? question day!
Tara asked me some questions.....here are some answers.
1) If you could have tickets to any concert this summer, who would you see? and who would you take?
Kings of Leon at the Roseland Ballroom (NYC) - 6/5/07
-Assuming I could pick any seats I wanted and have prime-o parking. I’ve dreamed about Kings of Leon since Aaron and I saw them at Martini Ranch in Scottsdale.
Since I have no man as of yet...I’ll be holding auditions for the role of My Date. :)
Recommendations to auditionees:
-An enthusiastic love of all things Leon is highly valued.
-At least learn a lot of songs.
-Don’t waste my time.
-Be cute.
And a little P.S. to My Date: tickets are still available. This is absolutely crazy.
2) What topic of discussion bores you more quickly than any others?
Oh, so very many. First of all, politics is usually boring because the people talk about it think they are The Shit and they're all, "ooo, ooo, epistemically blah blah blah."
Secondly, I get totally bored when people tell really, really, really, long versions of any romantic stories. Or stories about their kids. Honestly, long stories in general annoy me. Yes, yes, I'm a hypocrite.
Thirdly, when I start freaking out about something and can't stop talking. It annoys me so much and yet I keep hearing words coming out of my mouth. And my wonderful friends just sit there and roll their eyes and let me talk.
3) If you could be the spokesperson for any product on the market (which means you'd get all the freebies you could handle), which product would you represent?
Apple Computers, I think. See, I love all their products and they could also get me discounts for other products that aren't theirs. And their commercials are funny--I could totally be all, "I'm a Mac. And I'm a PC." right? Oh, and, since I'm not really into the iPod thing, I could sell them all shady-like in exchange for goods and services. They should totally hire me.
4) If you were given unlimited money and the necessary technology to invent anything you desired, what would you invent?
Unlimited money makes me nervous. It reminds me of communism.
5) Are you ever going to put the lovers back together?
If I answered that it would ruin all my writerly mystique. I will say that they are not done yet, simply on hiatus, and while they've been off air they have been working some things out. But they asked me to not say any more about that. Cross your fingers!
Bonus stats:
8 Times I used the word "all" above
21+ The amount of times per day I use Google at least five days a week (data courtesy of Google Web History)
34 Searches today
52 Searches yesterday
3 Days it has taken me (so far) to get through all the dishes from Saturday night.
1) If you could have tickets to any concert this summer, who would you see? and who would you take?
Kings of Leon at the Roseland Ballroom (NYC) - 6/5/07
-Assuming I could pick any seats I wanted and have prime-o parking. I’ve dreamed about Kings of Leon since Aaron and I saw them at Martini Ranch in Scottsdale.
Since I have no man as of yet...I’ll be holding auditions for the role of My Date. :)
Recommendations to auditionees:
-An enthusiastic love of all things Leon is highly valued.
-At least learn a lot of songs.
-Don’t waste my time.
-Be cute.
And a little P.S. to My Date: tickets are still available. This is absolutely crazy.
2) What topic of discussion bores you more quickly than any others?
Oh, so very many. First of all, politics is usually boring because the people talk about it think they are The Shit and they're all, "ooo, ooo, epistemically blah blah blah."
Secondly, I get totally bored when people tell really, really, really, long versions of any romantic stories. Or stories about their kids. Honestly, long stories in general annoy me. Yes, yes, I'm a hypocrite.
Thirdly, when I start freaking out about something and can't stop talking. It annoys me so much and yet I keep hearing words coming out of my mouth. And my wonderful friends just sit there and roll their eyes and let me talk.
3) If you could be the spokesperson for any product on the market (which means you'd get all the freebies you could handle), which product would you represent?
Apple Computers, I think. See, I love all their products and they could also get me discounts for other products that aren't theirs. And their commercials are funny--I could totally be all, "I'm a Mac. And I'm a PC." right? Oh, and, since I'm not really into the iPod thing, I could sell them all shady-like in exchange for goods and services. They should totally hire me.
4) If you were given unlimited money and the necessary technology to invent anything you desired, what would you invent?
Unlimited money makes me nervous. It reminds me of communism.
5) Are you ever going to put the lovers back together?
If I answered that it would ruin all my writerly mystique. I will say that they are not done yet, simply on hiatus, and while they've been off air they have been working some things out. But they asked me to not say any more about that. Cross your fingers!
Bonus stats:
8 Times I used the word "all" above
21+ The amount of times per day I use Google at least five days a week (data courtesy of Google Web History)
34 Searches today
52 Searches yesterday
3 Days it has taken me (so far) to get through all the dishes from Saturday night.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
breathe
No one taught us how to think. No one taught us how to live. They are presuppostions in our educational systems, and we figure it out late. Writing an essay in sixth grade, we never knew what to say. Because we didn't know how to see.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Monday, May 14, 2007
thoughts on coldplay
There were moments before the rope finally broke. Moments when the tether felt strong enough to keep together and I can remember driving on the 101 we had a brief discussion about Papago Park.
So brief was the conversation that I hardly remember it's contents but it was the first time I learned of the Park. Moments later "Fix You" came on the radio and I turned it up to fill the silence left by another brief discussion.
"I love this song," I said and you were driving but looked over to me. You were always looking over to me while you drove and I would sometimes keep my eyes on the road for you in the way I was always doing things the hard way just so they'd be easy for you.
I learned in physics that as we sat there we were actually moving at the same rate the car was and I played out the equation of us stopping, or worse: being hit by an opposing force.
The song sped up and right before the band broke in I asked you if you wanted to play keyboard or drums. You hesitated, I was clearly a step ahead, and in that moment I felt the fraying threads twirl quickly back as the last ones broke. You played the drums and I played the keyboard. The steering wheel and dashboard were accommodating.
There are certain things I have always known in my head and they have always been at war with the things I knew in my heart. A constant, raging battle of bloodshed, with a white flag being raised after long nights of indecision.
My mind surrendered for so many years. The same flag rose after every battle and it slowly became tattered. But I made a simple promise to myself: to never let my heart be a museum artifact. And with each tear in the flag, there was an even deeper tear in my heart and I've been to a lot of museums; my heart was almost ready to be behind glass in a pressurized environment. A hymn was almost written about the flag and I loathed myself for becoming such a cliche.
That was the second to last trip on that freeway--our freeway. I'm bound to say that Coldplay must have known something about being in love. And if so, I certainly knew something about loving you.
Did you know that Papago Park is burning?
So brief was the conversation that I hardly remember it's contents but it was the first time I learned of the Park. Moments later "Fix You" came on the radio and I turned it up to fill the silence left by another brief discussion.
"I love this song," I said and you were driving but looked over to me. You were always looking over to me while you drove and I would sometimes keep my eyes on the road for you in the way I was always doing things the hard way just so they'd be easy for you.
I learned in physics that as we sat there we were actually moving at the same rate the car was and I played out the equation of us stopping, or worse: being hit by an opposing force.
The song sped up and right before the band broke in I asked you if you wanted to play keyboard or drums. You hesitated, I was clearly a step ahead, and in that moment I felt the fraying threads twirl quickly back as the last ones broke. You played the drums and I played the keyboard. The steering wheel and dashboard were accommodating.
There are certain things I have always known in my head and they have always been at war with the things I knew in my heart. A constant, raging battle of bloodshed, with a white flag being raised after long nights of indecision.
My mind surrendered for so many years. The same flag rose after every battle and it slowly became tattered. But I made a simple promise to myself: to never let my heart be a museum artifact. And with each tear in the flag, there was an even deeper tear in my heart and I've been to a lot of museums; my heart was almost ready to be behind glass in a pressurized environment. A hymn was almost written about the flag and I loathed myself for becoming such a cliche.
That was the second to last trip on that freeway--our freeway. I'm bound to say that Coldplay must have known something about being in love. And if so, I certainly knew something about loving you.
Did you know that Papago Park is burning?
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