walking

So, ususally its when the day has wrapped up, I sorta do a prayer walk thing- or zone out and listen to the ipod- or daydream- or try to unwrap some thoughts.


Well, on this day (a few days ago) for some reason I was faced with a question that re-surfaced after a conversation with a friend...and there was this word that was REALLY getting under my skin.
I thought,










????????????????????????????? "Do I have a submission complex?" ??????????????????????????????????










No really.



Do I?????

It took me a while to unravel my thoughts, and I will be honest with you and say that it took quite some debating.

I think that the word "submission" has been something that I've struggled with (a lot) in the past, even to the point that I saw it as a weakness.

I always thought that submissive ment passive...therefore passive not being pro-active...which would lead to laziness and a weak dependancy. I'm not sure if this part has to do with growing up the way I did, because I've never really had to be submissive (even in a role as a daughter)...so clearly...if you want something done, you've got to do it yourself.
This also meant that growing up as a young woman, the act of making a big life decisions were never dependant or trusted in a man- and the reason why I say this, is because that was my own life experience. If you are a young woman who learns that you can't generally depend on men, then, simply you don't.

You learn how to manage without. (and for years you will logically defend why.)

But, I'm not saying that this is the route I'm taking as a woman as i continue to grow...because...

Later in young adulthood, I developed some relationships (non-romantic) with a couple Godly men. Either friendships, a mentor, or someone I considered myself a disciple of. I found that these men opened my eyes a little bit as to what a REAL man looks like internally.
I'm not so much talking about Gender roles (as in if he knows how to work an automatic drill or something)- but as a man, what it means to be a GODLY man.

And, what would mean to trust and willingly follow one.

One thing I noticed about these Godly men, was that they were submissive towards God.
If they were faced with a delimma (or opportunity, or decision, or....), they went to God first, and maybe would get on their knees, patiently listen, or in their own way...seek counsel from God and others. A man getting on his knees and bowing actually (when we're speaking of spiritual posture) seems like a submissive position. I remember reading that "the custom of kneeling and bowing one's head in prayer is strengthened by the imagery of a person approaching a king to make a request. When doing this in prayer, the subject puts himself at the mercy of the King by exposing his neck, an act which shows his complete vulnerability to the Sovereign's power" (taken from Doug Pagitt)...

And so I was realizing that men I truly respect are truly after God's agenda, and not their own.

They are men who trust God, even when things are NOT making sense right at the moment.

They are men who are even willing to seek advice and counsel of an older (or maybe even younger) and wiser (or maybe more experienced) Godly man...even if it means being submissive to stop and listen, because they know they still have a lot to learn, and that they don't have all the answers.

They are men who seek out the wisdom of their wives, girlfriends, mothers and sisters.

And so, then the next element of this is TRUST.
A real man trusts God with his life.
simple yet complicated...i know. but its true. its hard, but its true.

One of my friends explained something, that if he were to have confidence and trust in a Godly person, knowing that the person he were to follow was truly on a solid walk with Christ, he would be willing to follow that person off a cliff.
I know that "walking off a cliff" may sound a little suicidal...and I'm more than positive that he didn't mean it in that sense...but that under any circumstance, he is genuinely willing to FOLLOW a person who is truely with wisdom, maturity, and walking with the Lord.

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I'm sure that Moses' wife thought he was insane at times...because that man did some pretty insane/awesome/Godly things. But, in the bible we don't see her telling him, "wait, no, you know what? this whole parting the Red Sea sounds pretty impossible...put that staff away..."

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And so this is where being a woman comes in.


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As I continued on my walk, I re-surfaced many conversations I've had about the word "submissive". I remember one of my christian friends tried to explain to me that submission is not a weakness. She was married, and did her best to explain, and I listened, but I still didn't get it then.
I've been to more weddings that I can count...and I've heard the whole "christ is the head of the church as a husband is the... (you know the rest.)

I still didn't get it.

I didn't want to.

I didn't want to be that little christian-passive-"wifey" type that I stereotyped and complied in the back of my own mind.

I even remember in past relationships, seeking freedom internally and independently, making sure that i could stay a free-spirited woman...and at times I still felt like a caged bird wanting to fly away. So thats when I called ALL the shots.
I didn't want to be lead.

I didn't have a problem with committment...but...I just really didn't want to be told what to do or to really trust in another person that fully...and in a way, I was like my own little wild banshee.

I now realize, that a mature relationship isn't a matter of confinement, but in that Christ HE the one who sets US free, encourages US to live freely in HIM...and that in a healthy relationship (like one with Christ) there is more freedom than imaginable.
That in a true Christ-driven dynamic relationship, there isn't this complex about submission.
That I can still be a free-spirited woman...and still be who Christ designed me to be, but that doesn't mean not submitting.
It really shouldn't be an issue.



And so I honestly realized something.






I WANT to be LEAD by a Godly man.






And that submission is actually a STRENGTH and confidence in TRUSTing a man who truely seeks, trusts, and follows Christ with his life...and thats why it was designed for a relationship (that we call marriage).

For some reason...it's taken me 23 years for this little lightbulb to go on...which makes me think...what else will long walks and good conversations with friends bring up?...