if you're from denver...you'll get it

DENVER DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is: "den-ver" not
Denvah.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Denver has its own
version of traffic rules...the cars/truck with the loudest muffler goes
next at a 4-way stop. The truck with the biggest tires goes after
that.(Note: Blue-haired, green-haired or cranberry-haired ladies
driving anything have right of way anytime.)

3. To find anything in Denver it is required that you know Colfax and
Broadway; the Alpha and Omega -- the beginning and the End.

4. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 to 10:00 a.m. The evening rush
hour is from 3:00 to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday
morning.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out and possibly shot.

6. You must know that "I-25 and the Valley Hwy" are the same road. Same
goes for Hampden Ave and Highway 285, 6th Ave and US Hwy 6, and Colfax
Ave and Highway 40. If anyone calls Colfax Ave Hwy 40, tell them to go
back to Kansas.

7. North and south only vaguely resemble the real direction of certain
streets such as Speer Blvd. and Leetsdale Dr. (Parker Rd).

8. Highway 285 runs north, south, east and west and every direction in
between; it can be found in every section of the Denver area to make
navigating interesting.

9. Construction is a permanent fixture in Denver. The barrels are moved
around in the middle of the night to make the next days driving a bit
more exciting.

10. Watch very carefully for road hazards such as drunks, jay-walkers,
pan-handlers, skunks, dogs, barrels, cones, cows, horses, pot holes,
cats, pieces of other cars, truck tires, squirrels, rabbits, prairie
dogs and crows or vultures feeding on any of these items.

11. Ground clearance of at least 12 inches for your vehicle is
recommended for city driving. Lots of "stuff" falls off or falls from
something.

12. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the
shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally
activated."

13. The minimum acceptable speed on all freeways --I-25, I-76, I-225,
US 285/Hampden, Hwys 87 and 36 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered
downright sissy. This is Colorado's version of NASCAR. The difference
is some drivers are armed and irritable!

14. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. (It maybe hazardous to your
health)

15. If you are in the left lane and are going only 70 in a 55-65
zone...you are considered a road hazard, and will be "flipped off"
accordingly.

16. The trend in recent years indicates if it's 70 degrees,
Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

17. If it's snowing, it could well be the week after Memorial Day.

18. Highway 36 to and from Boulder is called the "Turnpike." No other
highway is called the Turnpike. If someone refers to another highway as
a Turnpike, tell them to go back to the East.

19. If someone refers to a highway with the article "the," as in, "The
25" tell them to go back to California.

20. A red light means four more cars can go through. Not three, not
five. Four.

21. Lincoln Street is a major route into Downtown and runs north and
south. Lincoln Ave. is now a major route on the south end of town, but
the two never meet.

22. University and Colorado are two boulevards that run parallel.
Geometry not working in the suburbs, these streets intersect south of
C-470.

23. Alameda and Mississippi are two avenues that run parallel, but
since geometry not working in the suburbs, these streets intersect east of I-225 and west of Kipling.

24. When you see an orange cone, you must stop and then move slowly
until there are no more cones. There need not be construction, only
cones.

25. By state law, there will be a rollover accident in the median on
C-470 between Quebec St. and Santa Fe Drive no less often than once
every other business day.

26. Despite the fact that Colorado Boulevard is a straight line from
I-70 to I-25, it is not a shortcut, especially at rush hour. Same goes
for University, which changes names three times anyway.

Merging rules:
(a) Under no circumstances should you ever allow anyone, in any way, to
get in front of you. No more than one car length must be between you
and the one in front of you, as rear-end collisions happen to other people. If traffic is merging into one lane, then you better make dang
sure you hug the back bumper of the car in front of you, because you
can't let anyone "cut in line."

(b) When merging onto a highway, ignore the acceleration lane entirely
and move directly into traffic as quickly as possible, regardless of
the fact that your current speed may be as low as 35MPH. This is especially true if you are driving a "land yacht" or some other vehicle that has low acceleration.

(c) Certainly you should never speed up to merge, even if you stay in
the "acceleration lane."

(d) Assume, when your lane ends, that everyone will get out of your
way. You don't even need to signal that you are moving to the next lane
over. Just drive to the end of the lane you are in and suddenly move to the next lane, whether there is a car next to you or not is irrelevant. You are driving the only car that counts.

27. NEVER yield at a yield sign. The yield sign is like an appendix, it
once had a purpose, but nobody can remember what it was.

28. When the roads are wet for any reason, assume that all traffic laws
are void. Stop signs, red lights, etc. are mere decoration if it is
snowing.

29. Four wheel drive vehicles can drive as fast as they want no matter
what the road conditions are; doubly so if the driver is talking on a
cell phone at the same time.

30. Highlands Ranch comes with its own rules. Like most suburbs, they
have only four actual street names, and then differentiate them with
street types like Road, Drive, Court, Trail, Turn, Dead-end, Way, Path,
Meandering, etc. Unlike most cities, however, there are double solid
white lines at some intersections. Crossing the lines will get you a
ticket in Highlands Ranch. Speeding, no, but crossing those lines WILL
get you a ticket.

31. Just because a street on the east side of town has the same name as
a street on the west side, does not mean you can drive on that one
street to get from Denver east to Denver west. See 6th Ave., Alameda,
Orchard, etc. There is only one exception: Colfax.

32. When you see the sign for the exit you need, aim for the right
shoulder, as many times additional lanes will spring up fully formed
between you and the ramp you want. This is especially true at DIA when
you are heading toward the East terminal.

33. When you have finished changing lanes on either I-70 or I-25, hit
the brakes.

34. When giving directions, be no more specific than "Near the
intersection of. . ." If you are half a mile away from the
intersection, that's fine. Always give directions with reference to the
mountains, i.e. "turn towards the mountains," even when giving
directions at night or downtown where you can't see the mountains.

35. Although it takes just 3 cars to create a traffic jam on I-25
around Thornton Pkwy., state law requires all drivers in the northern suburbs to get onto I-25 on Friday afternoon. This fosters the image of Denver as a bustling city of industry.

36. Don't ask what that smell is at US 85 and I-270. You do not want to
know. If small children ask what the smell is as you go past the dog
food factory on I-70, say something vaguely scientific, such as "It's
just photosynthesis."

37. Any activity downtown is surrounded by eight other activities
downtown; if you find a close parking space, treasure it like gold.

38. You can head west and turn north while taking the exit from
southbound US 285 to westbound C-470. You can drive southeast bound on
the Northwest Parkway. The sign from Santa Fe southbound to Hampden
westbound reads "South." This is why Denver directions are "out," "up,"
"in," "down" and sometimes "over"!!