Happy Memorial Day!

I am proud to be an American!

nature narrative

school assignment 4-19-09:
tell an experience you have had with nature, be creative.

I hate water. Water and its power fill me with the greatest fear I have ever experienced towards any one thing. The unpredictable and uncontrollable force of weather, oceans, and the elements of Earth terrorize me to the core.
It was September 2002 and I was vacationing in Orange Beach, Alabama. Growing up in Colorado far from large bodies of water such as oceans, I had no idea that I was walking into “hurricane season”. My family and I were staying in a rental house right on the beach. The back patio was footsteps to the water line, gorgeous! The trip started out as paradise and ended in terror! After relaxing and enjoying the beach for a few days, the winds began to pick up. News stations warned endlessly of the impending storm and their recommendations to evacuate the beach areas. Being inept regarding tropical storms, we decided to “ride it out”. I have to admit, I was feeling scared and anxious already. Within 24 hours, rain pounded our beautiful beach house. Wind howled and kept me up all night in fear. During the worst night of the storm, Hurricane Isodore descended and pulled the bedroom window right off the side of out beach house!
The next morning, we woke to discover plenty of destruction. The pool that once sat on the beach of our back patio was crack in half lying in wreckage. The shoreline was lined with fallen palm trees, some over 20 feet! The entire coast line was rocked by Hurricane Isodore!
As if I needed more of a reason to fear the idea of water and its power, here I was face to face with the terror it causes me. From inside my head to in front of my very eyes, I had seen what nature is capable of and how much bigger it is than us measly humans. Sometimes I think we forget how much bigger the world is than our ideas, our actions, our ambitions. We pale in comparison to the great power of the universe. Facing your fears gives you a unique opportunity to be reminded of these things. I realized that I have fear, it can find you at any time, but you can’t stop it and you just need to face it head on. Hopefully from these unique instances you can grow and become a more “together” person.
Needless to say, I haven’t been back to stay at the beach in some time, especially in early fall!

8-10-06

I stumbled upon an old post on my blog from 2006. I enjoyed it and wanted it reposted:

inspired: "Romance on a daily basis doesn't happen, it can't. But in those few great moments it does happen, and it makes all the other regular routine days easier to bare just to remember them. It reminds us why we bother to pick ourselves up again after we've fallen, to fall in love again after our hearts have been broken."

Now if I could only just remind myself that this is true, I'll be all set. I believe that we are all searching for our missing half. I don't know if this means soul mates, I'm not sure they exist. I believe there is only one right person for you. All I do know is that there are people who fit you better than others, those that complete you. I want to find that person, I want to know them. I want a real man who knows what he wants, knows what he wants to do with his life, is actually going somewhere, and knows that he wants to be with me. I need someone who will stand by me. If you see me and I don't talk much it's not because I'm not interested, usually quite the opposite, I'm probably really nervous.

"Fall in love or fall in hate. Get inspired or be depressed. Ace a test or flunk a class. Make babies or make art. Speak the truth or lie and cheat. Dance on tables or sit in the corner. Life is divine chaos. Embrace it. Forgive yourself. Breathe. And enjoy the ride."

Day Nine

Do something before breakfast today.

I am not a morning person. I have no problem getting up on time, but I require certain specific arrangements and a strict routine each morning to avoid aggravation. I require the near complete absence of light. I need just enough to turn on the television. That's why I love fall and winter; the sun doesn't rise until I am leaving the house. Anyway, I was not feeling terrifically creative this morning, and today is a Saturday...so I decided to find out what's on TV at this hour. (which mind you is noon....and yes, I have breakfast at noon on Saturdays)

I flipped to TBS. It was the Saved by the Bell where Zack sets it up so Slater gets caught joyriding in the driver's ed. car but Kelly is implicated and Zack has to take the blame or else driver's ed. will be cancelled by Belding and he fears Kelly will leave him for Slater because he has to take an F and retake the class next year but she is touched by his martyrdom and stays by his side.
Oh how I loooooooved Saved By the Bell in the 90's.
How could you not love this face:


Anyways, I reminisced for a while then got on with my day of lounging...

Day Three

"Throw away something you like."

This wasn't too bad...ever since moving around so much all over the US, I have learned to throw things away if they aren't continually used for months at a time.

When it came right down to it, I managed to rid myself of some old photographs. This part was hard for me...because I am very sentimental and keep EVERY picture, no matter what or who I was involved with. So I did it. I purged and threw out every picture of a certain 2.5 years of my life...every physical photo and even the digital ones on my laptop. I want to leave that piece of my past where it belongs, in the past.

This is my new life...and I don't plan on looking back.

This Blog Will Change Your Life

A few years ago I had something traumatic happen to me and a friend gave me this book.


I tried to go through this book at the time, but ended up failing.
I recently stumbled upon this book again while going through boxes from my past that were lost in storage.

I have decided to try again.

Boasting to be "part instruction manual, part therapy, part cult, part sheer anarchy" this book offers 365 days worth of instructions for hysterical living. It just so happens my life can use a little hysteria. What will follow starting today, Friday November 7, 2008, will be a record of my daily attempts to base my life on this book. We'll see what happens...

***

In preparation to begin my journey, there are a few things to mention:

-in the front cover of this book, there is a note. it reads: "Jami- Here's to the first day of your second life. See you in Paris. I love you."

-I am so excited!

WARNING: stolen

So I stole this survey/questionnaire from Josh Mick.
I loved it...so...here it is:

The principle aspect of my personality: I try to relate to everyone and empathise consistently.

The quality that I desire in a man: Honesty.

The quality that I desire in a woman: Unconditional love.

What I appreciate most about my friends: Each has a different number on me. They read my mail each in their own way.

My main fault: Lack of a "filter" (mostly of what comes out of my mouth. I'm brutally honest to a fault)

My favorite occupation: Advocate...fighting for someone else is beautiful.

My dream of happiness: To keep dreaming, creating, and taking care of other people to the best of my abilities.

What would be my greatest misfortune?: To live my life how I think it should go without asking God's opinion.

What I should like to be: Dependable, honest, genuine, happy.

The country where I should like to live: Africa (country to be decided at a later date), Czech, Italy.

My favorite color: Red.

The flower that I like: Daisy.

My favorite prose authors: Chuck Klosterman, Kurt Vonnegut.

My favorite poets: So far: Ralph Waldo Emerson, Poe.

My heroes in fiction: Siris Black.

My favorite heroines in fiction: Elizabeth Gilbert.

My favorite composers: Tchaikovsky, Brahms, Webber.

My favorite painters: Pollock, Frida Kahlo.

My heroes in real life: Bono, Jesus, Veterans (of any war).

My heroines in history: Hummm...Elizabeth I

My favorite names: Yahweh

What I hate most of all: Racism, hate, inconsideration, etc.etc.etc.

Historical figures that I despise the most: The ones that don't think for themselves (Nazis, followers...)

The military event that I admire most: Peace talks

The reform which I admire the most: Abolition.

The gift of nature that I would like to have: I would like to heal things.

How I want to die: Ready.

My present state of mind: Concerned.

Faults for which I have the most indulgence: I am impatient, which makes my indulge the want for everything I think I need right then.

My motto: All you need is love.

Vintage

My Twins

1961 - 1971

1971-1987

1987-present


"Baseball doesn't owe me a thing. I owe my whole life to baseball." - Kirby Puckett

man i love those infield "chats"

just reminiscing and dreaming about Tulow getting better...>sigh<

"there is truth and love is real"

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the London underground when it struck me
That I've been waiting since birth to find a love that would look and sound like a movie
So I changed my plans and rented a camera and a van and then I called you
"I need you to pretend that we are in love again" and you agreed to

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in
The script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it
The marker snapped and I yelled "quiet on the set" and then called "action!"
I kissed you in a style that Clark Gable would have admired (I thought it classic)

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"
And I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear
That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?

inside out

"
here a little sympathy, for you to waste on me
i know you're faking it, but that's okay
and i, dont't wanna drag it out
don't wanna bring you down
i never wanted it to end this way

even if i wanted to, i don't think that i'd get to to you
there's nothing i can say to you to make you feel alive again

here a little jealousy
i hope you think of me
hope you wonder where i sleep at night

cuz i feel like i'm inside out
you got me upside down
maybe i was holding on too tight

even if i wanted to, i don't think that i'd get to to you
there's nothing i can say to you to make you feel alive again

so don't you say goodbye to me
just turn your back away and leave
and if you're lucky i will be your last regret, your only friend

the two of us we dream like one, the two of us, the two of us
the two of us take breath like one, the two of us, the two of us

i guess that this is over now
i guess it's called a falling out
but everyday i'm learning how to make it through this life i'm in

even if i wanted to, i don't think that i'd get to to you
there's nothing i can say to you to make you feel alive again

so don't you say goodbye to me
just turn your back away and leave
and if you're lucky i will be your last regret, your only friend
"

24

24 things I have learned within the past 23 years:

1. Never say never when it comes to: God, guys, and Guiness. You’ll always be proven wrong. Period.

2. Don’t make fun of those of the same sex. One day you will (or have) cry at a movie, lay in a tanning bed, gossip, walk down the isle (and be pretty darn excited about it), and be emotional. And yes, God has a good sense of humor, that’s why He made you a woman.

3. Comics are cool. No matter what anyone says.

4. Your dad is not perfect.

5. Your mom is not perfect.

6. YOU are not perfect.

7. Its more about quality than quantity...esp. when it comes to friends, dates, shoes, books, and yoga classes.

8. Yoga is hard.

9. Santa is not real. Shoot.

10. Prussian blue oil paint makes you speechless.

11. gasp! You like your curves!!! Who knew?!?!

12. Its ok to be alone...

13. Don’t put air in your tire thinking that “I’ll just visually estimate how much” is good enough. Gauages are good. Use them.

14. Forming an emotional attachment to an animal, such as a cat, and naming it after a bird in another language is not exactly normal. It's ok. Someone will understand.

15. The main artery (or is it a vein…) of a blue whale is so large that the child of the average age 3-4 could crawl through it.

16. You will strangely go from hating something to loving it, this includes sparkling/carbonated water, black licorice, tomatos, deep/bright pink, beer, opera music...

17. 2+2 does NOT equal 5... unless it’s a Radiohead song. (you’ve always been bad at math.)

18. Its not good to cook with your usual metal utensils. It makes them turn from shiny to a dull gray color within a slow period of time.

19. Home Shopping Network sucks.

20. Turkey bacon is awesome…but bacon cooked by a Brubaker is even more awesome.

21. Art does exist in ministry.

22. You pretty much look the same as you did when you were five. A lot of people have told you this. Deal with it. And yes, you still get carded.

23. Too much of something is usually not a good thing...this includes celery, green tea, and soy sauce.

24. Love is a verb, not a feeling. You found that Christ knew a lot about this.

2 + 2 = 5 (the lukewarm)

I've recently revisited an old friend.


"hail to the thief"


i guess he's not that old (june 10, 2003 - i can still remember when and who gave it to me as a gift)....but it has been a while since i've let an album spin over and over...round and round
(with my ipod constantly on shuffle and all....)


point being:
"the lukewarm" is still my favorite on the album and my idea of personified genius.
(as much as a song can be personified.....i'd like to believe that all songs have the capability)


it is just amazing. yeah thom is a brilliant musician,
(no one would or could ever debate that)
and yeah he's a little weird,
(everyone should admit that)
but he's great...wonderful...uncompairable. i wish i knew more bigger and cooler words to adequately describe him more colorfully and beautifully.
(he does deserve it)


"i'll stay home forever
where two and two
always makes up five"

Happy 4th of July!

Have you ever wondered what happened to the 56 men who signed the Declaration of Independence?
Five signers were captured by the British as traitors, and tortured before they died.
Twelve had their homes ransacked and burned. Two lost their sons serving in the Revolutionary Army; another had two sons captured.
Nine of the 56 fought and died from wounds or hardships of the Revolutionary War.
They signed and they pledged their lives, their fortunes, and their sacred honor.

What kind of men were they?
Twenty-four were lawyers and jurists. Eleven were merchants, nine were farmers and large plantation owners; men of means, well educated.
But they signed the Declaration of Independence knowing full well that the penalty would be death if they were captured.
Carter Braxton of Virginia, a wealthy planter and trader, saw his ships swept from the seas by the British Navy. He sold his home and properties to pay his debts, and died in rags.
Thomas McKeam was so hounded by the British that he was forced to move his family almost constantly. He served in the Congress without pay, and his family was kept in hiding. His possessions were taken from him, and poverty was his reward.
Vandals or soldiers looted the properties of Dillery, Hall, Clymer, Walton, Gwinnett, Heyward, Ruttledge, and Middleton.
At the battle of Yorktown, Thomas Nelson Jr, noted that the British General Cornwallis had taken over the Nelson home for his headquarters. He quietly urged General George Washington to open fire. The home was destroyed, and Nelson died bankrupt.
Francis Lewis had his home and properties destroyed. The enemy jailed his wife, and she died within a few months.
John Hart was driven from his wife's bedside as she was dying. Their 13 children fled for their lives. His fields and his gristmill were laid to waste. For more than a year he lived in forests and caves, returning home to find his wife dead and his children vanished. A few weeks later he died from exhaustion and a broken heart.
Norris and Livingston suffered similar fates.
Such were the stories and sacrifices of the American Revolution. These were not wild-eyed, rabble-rousing ruffians. They were soft-spoken men of means and education.
They had security, but they valued liberty more. Standing tall, straight, and unwavering, they pledged: "For the support of this declaration, with firm reliance on the protection of the divine providence, we mutually pledge to each other, our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor."
They gave you and me a free and independent America. The history books never told you a lot about what happened in the Revolutionary War.
We didn't fight just the British, we were British subjects at that time and we fought our own government!

Some of us take these liberties so much for granted, but we shouldn't.
So take a few minutes while enjoying your 4th of July holiday and silently thank these patriots. It's not much to ask for the price they paid.

What happened to men and human beings like this?!
Remember: Freedom is never free.

my life is a john mayer album...

you know that part of your brain that hears a song and you are instantly swept away to a feeling or a memory? that happens to me more often than not when i listen to music. sometimes, i play a cd or a song just so i can have this very experience. when i'm feeling nostalgic or sappy, or sometimes when i want to cry....all it takes is hitting that "play" button.

i've recently realized that my life is a john mayer album.

there is something or someone to me in every song on "room for squares". more recently...my life has personified itself in "st. patricks day"....ironically my favorite john mayer song (even before my life took all these crazy turns)

it's only appropriate that i put the lyrics here now:

Here comes the cold
Break out the winter clothes
And find a love to call your own
You - enter you
Your cheeks a shade of pink
And the rest of you in powder blue

Who knows what will be
But I'll make you this guarantee

No way November
will see our goodbye
When it comes to December
it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone
at Christmas time

In the dark,
on the phone
You tell me the names
of your brothers
And your favorite colors
I'm learning you
And when it snows again
We'll take a walk outside
And search the sky
Like children do

No way November
will see our goodbye
When it comes to December
it's obvious why
No one wants to be alone
at Christmas time
And come January
we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions
a hundred times
February,
won't you be my valentine?

And we'll both be safe
'til St. Patrrick's Day

We should take a ride
tonight around the town
and look around at
all the beautiful houses
something in the way that
blue lights on a black night
can make you feel more
everybody, it seems to me,
just wants to be
just like you and me

No one wants to be alone
at Christmas time
Come January
we're frozen inside
Making new resolutions
a hundred times
February,
won't you be my valentine?

And if our always
is all that we gave
And we someday take that away
I'll be alright
if it was just
'til St. Patrick's Day

my 100 things:

1. I am the youngest child
2. One of my first words was "o'donalds" -for McDonalds
3. I was one
4. I don’t like flying
5. I do like to travel
6. I’ve been to 6 countries
7. My favorite is Ireland
8. Because of the squishy grass
9. I still sleep with a "blankey"
10. I don’t care that you’re judging me
11. I like all my freckles but one
12. (The one on my hairline)
13. I enjoy crying
14. I have a hard time returning phone calls
15. Mostly because I hate the phone
16. But also because I’m a little busy
17. I change into pajamas the minute I get home from work/class
18. I nap every day
19. My favorite season is fall
20. I hate hot weather
21. I love the circus
22. I am not a Mac girl
23. I make faces at myself in the mirrored columns in clothing stores when nobody’s looking
24. I look forward to getting old
25. 2000 is my favorite year so far
26. I read obsessively
27. I’m not shy or modest
28. I judge people who use “your” and “you’re” interchangeably
29. I think in words
30. I daydream. A lot.
31. I want to edit Children’s Books when I grow up
32. So Cal beaches are my favorite of the beaches
33. Second only to Tampa, where I took a picture with a naked man
34. Laughing is important to me
35. I can’t sit on grass without systematically ripping it up
36. I’ve frequently have a brain freeze
37. I have tried not to
38. I am sarcastic
39. I am cynical
40. Somehow, I am also an idealist
41. I am impatient
42. One of my favorite feelings is getting my hair shampooed at the salon
43. I have really high pain tolerance
44. This might be why
45. I can’t drive without music
46. I choose silence over awkward conversations. Always.
47. I think I could be an alcoholic if I let myself
48. I’m not afraid of needles
49. I’m always early
50. I sleep on my stomach
51. I had 53 pairs of shoes the last time I counted
52. I have bought more since then
53. I have beat someone up
54. He deserved it
55. I try to play guitar
56. My fingers are too short
57. I sometimes feel guilty that I have an amazing family
58. I don't like riding horses
59. I used to be boy-crazy
60. If you knew me then...then I like you
61. I have helped write a rap song
62. I was conceived in Kansas City
63. I know that was gross. But if I had to hear about it, so do you
64. On that note, I was a mistake
65. Dark chocolate is my least favorite chocolate
66. Avocado is my favorite food
67. And macaroni and cheese
68. I love how libraries smell
69. I twirl a strand of hair by my face when I’m nervous
70. I work in the high school group at my church
71. I love kids
72. I want to have them
73. I have been in five car accidents
74. I was always the driver (whoops)
75. I secretly want to drive a minivan
76. Yes, that's true
77. I don't drink coffee
78. Ever.
79. I love the smell of pipe tobacco
80. I can never spell vaccum right on the first try
81. Vaccuum
82. Vacuum
83. If I watch horror movies, I can’t sleep for at least a week
84. I’m a morning person, once I’m awake
85. I love camping
86. Mostly in Rocky Mountain National Park, but other places too
87. The covers have to cover my feet
88. I don’t understand people who have to have their feet outside the covers
89. I swear a lot when I drive
90. But I wouldn’t call it rage
91. I save things
92. I love getting real mail
93. McDonald’s orange drink is my favorite drink
94. OK so Long Beaches are my favorite
95. I take a lot of pictures
96. I don’t deserve most of the grades I get
97. And not because I cheat
98. Or sleep with the professors
99. This is going downhill fast
100.I love having a tan

lovely...

I received a lovely email today. I'll share:

"
There are always things that make me think of things, and the things that make me think of things are normally pretty great things. But the things that they make me think of can go either way. Sometimes things make me think of things that make me feel great. Sometimes things make me think of things that make me feel terrible.

I'm not sure what made me think of you today. Could be the weather, somehow. Could have been a song, something I saw on the floor, the exact height of the sun as I woke up. I don't know. But you got in my head, and i think you wanted to hang out there for awhile, because you brought a tent.

And that made me think of how you are, and it made me think that maybe something is wrong, or that something is great.
Sometimes I get the feeling that when I think about someone they can hear me, and maybe we can have a conversation. And then I get the feeling that when I randomly think of someone, it's because they're trying to think of me. But I doubt that's the case. It's just nice to think about.
And sometimes I get the feeling that if I randomly think of someone, it probably means something is happening to them, something that's making a spike in my thoughts of them. Maybe you were on a roller coaster and got really excited. Maybe you found a hundred dollars. Maybe you were in a car accident. Maybe something made you cry. I don't know.

The seasons are changing, and that always trips me out a little. The monsoons might come early this year.

Sometimes I drive and wish I was just driving out in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes the right song comes on and makes me wish I was on a long road trip, like on the road in New Mexico somewhere. Sometimes there's a fiddle in a song, or a harmonica, and I wish I could be driving again, with no one else on the road. And I wish, sometimes, that you were there. The phantom limb itch that makes me just want to drive really far, watching the sun drop low, making a trail. Sometimes I just want to escape, not necessarily getting anywhere, but headed somewhere.
"

thoughts on coldplay

There were moments before the rope finally broke. Moments when the tether felt strong enough to keep together and I can remember driving on the 101 we had a brief discussion about Papago Park.

So brief was the conversation that I hardly remember it's contents but it was the first time I learned of the Park. Moments later "Fix You" came on the radio and I turned it up to fill the silence left by another brief discussion.

"I love this song," I said and you were driving but looked over to me. You were always looking over to me while you drove and I would sometimes keep my eyes on the road for you in the way I was always doing things the hard way just so they'd be easy for you.

I learned in physics that as we sat there we were actually moving at the same rate the car was and I played out the equation of us stopping, or worse: being hit by an opposing force.

The song sped up and right before the band broke in I asked you if you wanted to play keyboard or drums. You hesitated, I was clearly a step ahead, and in that moment I felt the fraying threads twirl quickly back as the last ones broke. You played the drums and I played the keyboard. The steering wheel and dashboard were accommodating.

There are certain things I have always known in my head and they have always been at war with the things I knew in my heart. A constant, raging battle of bloodshed, with a white flag being raised after long nights of indecision.

My mind surrendered for so many years. The same flag rose after every battle and it slowly became tattered. But I made a simple promise to myself: to never let my heart be a museum artifact. And with each tear in the flag, there was an even deeper tear in my heart and I've been to a lot of museums; my heart was almost ready to be behind glass in a pressurized environment. A hymn was almost written about the flag and I loathed myself for becoming such a cliche.

That was the second to last trip on that freeway--our freeway. I'm bound to say that Coldplay must have known something about being in love. And if so, I certainly knew something about loving you.

Did you know that Papago Park is burning?

Mending....Reconciliation

the last 24 hours have been such a rollercoaster of emotion for me.

perhaps one of the strangest days i've had in a while.....(and that's saying alot)

i'm sitting in KCI airport sobbing.
listening to a mix cd appropriately named "shenanigans".
my soul aches, but feels relief.
i am more whole than when i arrived here a mere 36 hours ago.
my soul has surrendered something heavy.

i wish that i had a way to describe how i endured the hardest year of my life yet feel so free, clear, "held".

all i can say is that praise will be given where praise is due.

i have moved into not needing any human. it is such a foreign overwhelming feeling.

i believe with all of my heart that i have reached that coveted place of "self-reliance".

me and God.

little motel

“
I hope that you like it in your little motel,
And I hope that the sweep season suites you well.
Well I can see it as time and a sight through smell,
That’s why it’s nice to be by yourself.

And that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, aren’t I?
That’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, darling.

We treat mishaps like sinking ships,
And, I know that I don’t want to be out to drift.
Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips,
And, they both tell me that we’re better than this.

‘Cuz that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, aren’t I?
That’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, darling.

We trade tit for tat like that for this,
And, I don’t think that there was an insult that was missed.
I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips,
And, I’m very sorry.

‘Cuz that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, aren’t I?
That’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, that’s what I’m waiting for, darling.

The raining is over, shooting star,
And directly on our broke-down riddled car.
We fold and we had made a wish,
That we would be missed,
If one or another just did not exist.

That’s what we’re waiting for, that’s what we’re waiting for, that’s what we’re waiting for, aren’t we?
That’s what we’re waiting for, that’s what we’re waiting for, that’s what we’re waiting for, darling.

That’s what we’re waiting for, aren’t we?
“