I heart vampires

it's true.

and here's an interesting article that I recently stumbled upon.

have the planets aligned?

A. One person I deeply admire and secretly want to assume their identity and livelihood: Chuck Klosterman.

B. Web site I would choose as my only source for web-based material if forced to do so: The A.V. Club.

C. The most mystifying happenstance in music over the last chunk of years: Axl and the ongoing Chinese Democracy weirdness.

These things are all combined here. Wonderlicious.

Day Thirty-Two

Tonight control your dreams. Freud postulated that our dreams are essentially the recombined elements of things that had affected us during the day. Today, think very hard about these three things and see if they crop up in your dreams tonight.

The Three Things Are:
1. Hedgehog
2. Aeroplace
3. Midget

I will report tomorrow...

Day Thirty-One

Nauru Awareness Day! Nauru is a tiny island all alone in the middle of the Pacific. Today let them know they're not completely forgotten by sending the President a friendly postcard at Office of the President, c/o Ministry of Works, Yaren, Nauru.

Dear Mr. President,

Greetings to you in Nauru from the United States! I am writing to you to pass on the information that I am aware of your existence, and today I am celebrating that awareness. I look forward to celebrating your 41st Independence Day on January 31. I plan taking the day off work.

Sincerely,
Jami

Day Thirty

I have been explicitly instructed to ignore this day.

Day Twenty-Nine

Dial a phone number at random and read this script with a deep South accent

The passage starts, "You now, without Christ, without Jesus, we have no hope." And it goes on and on, and talks about the Bible, and it is much too long to transcribe here, and I didn't even read the entire thing, so...

I find it offensive and did not participate.

Day Twenty-Eight

Choose your final meal on death row and make it

-Artichoke, boiled and served with warm garlic butter for dipping
-Country Cafe (KCMO) biscuits and gravy
-Best italian lasagna you've ever tasted
-Haagen Daas vanilla milkshake
-slice of Nono's strawberry cake
-bottle of Bonny Doone "Heart of Darkness"

Day Twenty-Seven

Today you are not allowed to use the words "yes" or "no". See just how far you get

5 minutes.

:(

Day Twenty-Six

Today choose what you'd prefer to be reincarnated as. Choose and send off a $5 donation to the Dali Lama, Lhassa, Tibet.

The obvious choice would be to come back as another human. I mean, so far life as a human has been pretty great, and I definitely have no intention of letting that go if I can help it. But I've led a pretty charmed life so far, so there is a good chance that I could come back as a human whose situation isn't as pleasant as mine. But hey, being alive is better than nothing, so that's a risk I'm willing to take. Here are some other popular choices...

Cockroach: If you can avoid getting smashed, your shelf life is pretty long.

Chimp or other monkey-like primate: You're pretty much one step away from being a human, but the standards of "Decent Behavior" are severely lowered, so you would be able to get away with a lot because hey, you're a monkey.

Panda Bear: You're a bear, so you are pretty much awesome! Plus, Pandas are rare so you would always be getting set up to mate. This makes zoo life a small price to pay for all the hot Panda action that's tossed in your direction.

Bald Eagle: Anybody lays a hand on you, you're certain to be avenged. Flying would be cool too.

Day Twenty-Five

Things you will never do before you die. Tick the boxes to come to terms with the fact that you will never...

-Visit Bhutan
-Become a world chess champion
-Rob a bank
-Have a sex change (for a day)
-Become a king
-Walk to the North Pole
-Learn Russian
-Learn the Periodic Table by heart
-Work in a coal mine
-Watch all of Bergman
-Follow Mao's teachings
-Move to Japan
-Visit space
-Wear a rugsack
-Inject heroin
-Become insensitive to suffering
-Be gay
-Start a cult
-Grow a beard
-Become a fitness instructor
-Become a rock star
-Live for one year on a deserted island
-Graffiti a highway bridge
-Own an owl
-Contimplate suicide
-Invade a small country
-Disinherit your heirs
-Seduce the prom queen
-Paint someone in tar and feathers
-Smoke a cat
-Marry someone you've never met
-Star in a Hollywood Blockbuster
-Be eaten by cannibals
-Win the lottery
-Turn 117 years old
-Settle in Pittsburg
-Become pope
-Marry a prince
-Grow a tail
-Become a muslim
-Become a buddhist
-Beat Bjorn Borg at tennis
-Be the 78th person on the moon
-Be called upon by the President
-Become immortal
-Memorize the encyclopedia
-Sacrafice a goat
-Get drunk on meths
-Sup with Satan
-Track down Lord Lucan
-Get away with murder
-Travel back in time
-Apologize for existing
-Spot the invisible man
-Spell "egg" differenty
-Have sex with your clone

Day Twenty-Four

Barter Day. Bartering provides fun for all the family, bypasses the taxman, and is a useful skill to acquire in the event civilization should suddenly revert to the Stone Age.

Barter: When asked for the $4.08 for my grande soy chai, I offered a shoeshine to the cashier in exchange for the drink.
Result: A blank stare, followed by the repetition of the request, "$4.08 please."

Barter: When pulled over for speeding, I offered the officer three citizen's arrests in exchange for a free pass on the traffic violation.
Result: "Don't play around with me." and a verbal warning about my speed.

Barter: When passing a man on a bench reading a copy of The Denver Post, I offered an expired Pizza Hut coupon in exchange for all of the odd numbered pages in the paper.
Result: He kept reading.

Day Twenty-Three

Plastic Fantastic!!! How do you know you look as good as you could? Today make a no-obligation appointment with a plastic surgeon and see what he recommends.

I decided that I would not participate today because I do not believe in plastic surgery.

This is a matter of principle.

Day Twenty-Two

Today agree to meet someone in 10 years' time. Fill in this coupon (below) and hand it to a stranger or someone you hardly know.

Day Twenty-One

Patriotism Day! It is the duty of every citizen to be patriotic. A country is one's soil, one's blood, one's tears, one's roots. Here is a list of countries along with their strong points, so you can choose which one to feel patriotic about today (France, United Kingdom, China, Russia, Nigeria, Moldova)

United Kingdom
Language: English
Anthem: "God Save The Queen"
Military Record: Good, although the English Channel has undoubtedly helped.
Patriotic Potential: Wide choice of tones, from Churchhill to football hooliganism.

Other Fun Facts:
1. Until the first Divorce Court was established in 1857, it was common practice for men to trade their unwanted spouses like any other possession.
2. The British ship Carpathia was the first ship to sail to the aid of the 'unsinkable' Titanic.
3. Sir Francis Drake once claimed California for Queen Elizabeth I of England in 1579.
4. The success of public lavatories used at the Great Exhibition, held at Hyde Park in 1851, led to the widespread installation of public toilets in London.
5. The Bank of England is also known as 'The Old Lady of Threadneedle Street'.

Day Twenty

Today everyone is to send in a line to create the world's longest poem. They will be collated as they are collected (via email, listed in the book) and the result published across the whole world as soon as a suitable final line is deemed to have been found and we think of a good title. The opening line is: "Mercy, cried the popinjay to the pope." Use iambic pentameter.

"oh how perfect is the morning daylight?"

Day Nineteen

Pretend to be a secret agent. No one can know. This Book was a pretext to get in touch with you. Your government needs you. Don't look up now, they are watching. Meet at 13:00 today outside work. Wave at the gray car. It will pick you up and take you to the secret redenzvous. Good luck. P.S. Tear this page out and swallow it.

I should preface the following by stating that if you read this post you will be killed...
I started the day by listening to "Secret Agent Man" by Johnny Rivers to get in the mood. I also donned a mask, but I couldn't find a wig. At 13:00 hours, I went outside to wave to the gray car. They waved pleasantly, but did not stop. A second gray car passed several minutes later. Again, a friendly return wave, but they did not come back for me. I went out into the middle of the street, to force the issue. When I saw the next gray car approaching, I jumped out in front of it. It came screeching to a halt, and I waved. This driver was not as friendly as the previous two. Then, a police car came onto the scene. Knowing that the lowly local cops are not often included in "Federal Business" I knew I needed to escape. I darted off the road and barrel rolled into some shrubbery. Unfortunately, I landed on my keys. That really hurts.

Day Eighteen

Kill Something Day. So-called Western Civilization suppresses our legitimate aggressive impulses. Cast off the chains of narrow morality and stamp out the sad life of a member of some inferior species today: an ant or perhaps a gnat of some kind. Indulge your dark urges before they overwhelm you. After all, as top Russian anarchist Mikhail Bakunin declared: the passion for destruction is also a creative passion...

-I stepped on and PURPOSEFULLY killed a weak, small spider today.

-I felt big and mighty.

-Now...I can't hold back from taking over countries.

Day Seventeen

Eat nothing but asparagus today to ascertain just how noxious your pee can get

I have to admit, I do like asparagus...but (WARNING...TOO MUCH INFORMATION APPROACHING...) my pee is not affected by asparagus in the slightest, so I decided to not participate in today's task.

I truly believe that my life will be not change do to my lack of participation. (Or change for that matter...)

Day Sixteen

Discreetly give the finger to people all day today

Totals:
12 discreet fingers given*
2 blatantly clear fingers given
0 repercussions


*If you are reading this, I am discreetly giving you the finger right now...

Day Fifteen

Be gay for a day! As James Dean said, why go through life with one hand tied behind your back?